The occupation of ones spouse can be blessing or a curse, a delight or a burden. Or the spouses vocation may be of little consequence. And then theres being the wife of a clergyman — a pastors spouse.Theyre promoting the 7th annual First Lady Conference in Dallas in June where pastors’ wives are invited for some frank and insightful lectures and workshops on coping with their roles. Organizers point to surveys of spouses of senior pastors that found 84 percent felt unqualified and discouraged in their roles. Four in five felt left out or unappreciated by church members. The survey found three of five wives wished they had pastor-wife training to better serve their congregations from their distinctive positions.
Fifty-six percent of wives revealed they have no close friends in their churches. Not surprisingly 21 percent want more privacy.
Lois Evans, wife of the the Rev. Tony Evans, senior pastor of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship Church, one of Dallas’ largest, has organized the June conference. She says she never wanted to be a pastors wife and cannot forget what she endured in the early days of her husbands ministry. Now she leads First Lady Ministry to help wives make the most of their special “position” in life.
You know the burdens.
Pastors wives have to be model spouses with perfectly behaved children. They should be seen a lot on campus — prominently in the sanctuary for Sunday worship, ubiquitous in the womens ministries and circles and at the center of some special church ministry or outreach, probably involving children — or the pastors pet ministry that needs a dependable hands-on coordinator.
How she dresses or how her children behave are watched. She get leaned on and lobbied by some seeking to get the pastors ear or support for something. Once she immerses herself in a church activity or program — womens ministry, classroom teaching or choir, for example, she hears a lot of gossip and groveling, some of it related to her pastor-husband performance or actions.
Some pastor wives intentionally stay as clear of the church life as possible without appearing to be detached and uncaring. Some have busy, professional lives that make being an at-the-ready spouse impossible.
Because ministers often sprinkle their sermons with anecdotes and family-and-hearth stories, eyes fall on the wives when the pastor finishes the story. All too many pastors’ wives labor in outside jobs in the early years of their husbands’ ministries when they shepherd small congregations, looking after small children and often in some de facto assistant pastor roles. If it is a smaller congregation, she may get the church secretary duties by default.
Theyre being called “first ladies for the Dallas conference. It may sound patronizing. I have known more than a few pastors wives, and they would flinch about generalizations. Most are well-educated, thick-skinned, true partners in ministry, and able to find some distance between their work, styles and opinions and those of their husbands.
And the amazing stories they alone could really tell us …
